Dry Paint Signs

My Morning Jacket Returns to MSG

2011-12-15T01:43:00.004-05:00

Taking the MSG stage for the second time in their career after 2008's New Year's Eve performance, My Morning Jacket had a lot to live up to. I'm glad to say they did it. Though at first their set seemed somewhat front-loaded, as the show went on, I kept hearing more and more songs that I would've been devastated not to hear them play. I did however, find it highly suspicious that they didn't play "Highly Suspicious."

An early treat in the set was "Wonderful" as a duet with opener Band of Horses' frontman Ben Bridwell, he and Yim Yames seamlessly trading verses and harmonizing on the refrain. The fact that Bridwell excitedly hugged each member of the band directly after the song made it all the more poignant. Yames was definitely on his A-game for the show, leading the crowd in wordless choruses and shaking off leg spasms as he shredded his guitar. Brian Jackson sat in on flute for an extended "Dondante" jam and later on a cover of his and Gil Scott-Heron's "The Bottle." "Holdin on to Black Metal" made the best use of the stage design during the show, with cartoon demon sperm appearing on the screens to belt out the hook. The joyous evening came to a seasonal close in "I'll Be Home for Christmas" with Band of Horses singing backup.

BAND OF HORSES – 12.14.11 – MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (1 hour)

SET –

Cigarettes, Wedding Bands / The Great Salt Lake / Is There a Ghost / The General Specific / For Annabelle / The First Song / Islands on the Coast / Older / No One’s Gonna Love You / Neighbor / Ode to LRC / The Funeral / Am I a Good Man

MY MORNING JACKET – 12.14.11 – MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (2 hours, 28 minutes)

SET –

Victory Dance / Circuital / It Beats 4 U / First Light / I’m Amazed / Wonderful (The Way I Feel) (feat. Ben Bridwell) / Steam Engine / Outta My System / Dancefloors / Golden / Mahgeetah / Dondante (feat. Brian Jackson) / Smokin from Shootin / Run Thru / Touch Me I’m Going to Scream pt. 2 / Off the Record / Gideon

ENCORE –

Bermuda Highway / Wordless Chorus / The Day is Coming / The Bottle (feat. Brian Jackson) / Holdin on to Black Metal / One Big Holiday / I’ll Be Home for Christmas (feat. Band of Horses)

Deer Tick Occupy Williamsburg

2011-10-04T01:09:00.008-04:00

Deer Tick played a free show tonight at Death by Audio in Williamsburg, Brooklyn for a crowd of about 200 people (That's how many people the website said could fit, but that seems a little much). Sponsored by Brooklyn Vegan, the show was to help raise awareness for the police brutality occurring during the Occupy Wall Street protests. Here's a YouTube video of a protester being taken down to the ground by a police officer.

Admittedly, we can't see or hear if the guy threatened the officer before this clip, but it does seem excessive considering the kid is unarmed. Now that you're aware, onto the show...

The venue was tiny and dingy and reminded me of pictures/videos I've seen from the early '80s East Village, where underground bands would perform in apartments and art studios. People were smoking inside, the bathrooms were filthy, and shitty beer was being sold on a makeshift bar (read: fold-out table) in the back room. But this is exactly what you want in a small exclusive show like this. Hell, the band were all hanging out in the back prior to the start. That hangout vibe remained for the whole concert, which felt more like a party at a friend's than a rock show.

Starting off with a tease of "Sweet Child o' Mine," Deer Tick moved into Hank Williams' "Move It on Over." They followed with new song "The Bump," which has a fitting chorus of "We're full grown men, but we act like kids!" The band really hit their groove when they funked around with "Spend the Night," powered into The Mats' "Bastards of Young," revealed newbie "Chevy Express," played crowd favorite "Not So Dense," and brought out some Deervana with "On a Plain." "That was Kurt Cobain," remarked the drunk guy behind me. And if that weren't enough, how about a cover of "Juke Box Hero" by Foreigner? I thought they played a lot of covers on Pier 54, but that was nothing compared to tonight's fifteen, with Hank Williams, the Rolling Stones, Buddy Holly, Chuck Berry, Townes Van Zandt, Bob Dylan, the Beatles, the Shivers, and Michael Hurley also represented.

After reprising the "Sweet Child" solo, McCauley screeched out a wonderful "Christ Jesus," and led the crowd in a rowdy "Let's All Go to the Bar," which ended in a stage dive. As he surfed along the crowd, he punched at the ceiling above him, which made for a strange dichotomy with the show's mission. But you don't have a Deer Tick show in a sweltering room in Brooklyn and expect everything to go perfectly smooth; just like you shouldn't with a peaceful protest on Wall Street. I'm not condoning the actions of the police. I'm just noting that a lot of times things can go awry at nonviolent protests. We should not give up the right to peaceably assemble by any means; just know that the government will do whatever it thinks is necessary to contain you. Don't be surprised if it doesn't work out right away. Keep trying.

DEER TICK – 10.03.11 – DEATH BY AUDIO (2 hours, 4 minutes)

SET –

Sweet Child o’ Mine (tease)> Move It on Over / The Bump / Easy / Dead Flowers / Ashamed / Walkin Out the Door / Baltimore Blues No. 1 / I’ll Never Get Out of This World Alive / Main Street / Oh Boy! / Standing at the Threshold / Clownin Around / Funny Word / Spend the Night / Bastards of Young / Chevy Express / Not So Dense / On a Plain / Juke Box Hero / Maybelline / Little White Lies / Cocaine Blues / Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here with You / Something to Brag About / One After 909 / Houston, TX / L.I.E. / Christmas at the Chinese Restaurant / Now It’s Your Turn / Can’t Hardly Wait / Be Kind to Me> Sweet Child o’ Mine (tease) / Christ Jesus / Let’s All Go to the Bar

Deer Tick Avoid Boat Jail, Lay on the Covers, & Preview New Album

2011-08-13T16:42:00.008-04:00

On Thursday, Deer Tick headlined the year's final River Rocks show at Hudson River Park's Pier 54. The weather was perfect, and the band brought with them a mix of familiar tunes, covers, and six new ones. John McCauley began the show with a solo rendition of "Not So Dense" as the sun set behind the stage. (Listen up, Williamsburg Waterfront. We want to see the stage and the water!) The band joined him for their treatment of Michael Hurley's "Be Kind to Me," the first of six covers for the evening. They then announced that the new album comes out in October. If the remaining cuts on it are anything like the ones they played, it's probably going to be their best. "Main St." was exceptionally good, a self-reflection song that McCauley introduced by saying he's going to try not to party as hard because "it got real bad there for a bit, and I want to be around to play music for all of you. I want to play more free shows." "Dirty Dishes" was another standout, most of the song being sung in five-part harmony. At some point someone yelled, "Encore!" to which McCauley responded, "Encore? We haven't even walked off the stage yet. What the fuck are you talking about?" And then laughingly added, "I guess our fans really do like to get drunk." After a fan-favorite cover of "La Bamba," there was question of whether or not there would be an encore, the looming 10:00 curfew only three minutes away. "They have a really strict curfew here, and it's enforced by the boat police. I really don't want to go to jail. I don't wanna go to boat jail." In less than a minute after leaving the stage, the band returned for a cover of Townes Van Zandt's "White Freight Liner Blues." The show ended at 10:02, but they have tweeted in the past two days without mention of the brig.

DEER TICK – 08.11.11 – PIER 54 (1 hour, 41 minutes)

SET –

Not So Dense / Be Kind to Me / The Bump* / Easy / Choir of Angels / Baltimore Blues No. 1 / Walkin Out the Door* / Ashamed / Main Street* / Maybelline / Twenty Miles / Innocent When You Dream / Funny Word* / Christ Jesus / Little White Lies / Now It’s Your Turn* / Bastards of Young / Art Isn’t Real (City of Sin) / Dirty Dishes / Let’s All Go to the Bar* / La Bamba

ENCORE –

White Freight Liner Blues

Band of Horses Salvage Tour & Begin New Album

2011-08-11T01:10:00.004-04:00

"The tour we were on got fucked," said Band of Horses' Ben Bridwell, referring to the cancelled US leg of the Kings of Leon tour. Just one week after the announcement (and five days of ticket sales), they managed to pack the Hammerstein Ballroom for a headlining show this Wednesday. "We turned fucking apples into lemonade or whatever."

And what sweet, sweet lemonade it was. In front of a large screen that projected various idyllic images, tour shots, and kangaroo sex, the band played cuts from all three of their albums, and the most spectacular news: a fourth? "We're gonna play a song now that's probably not even gonna be on the next album. But we start making the new record tomorrow." The drinking mishaps of one shitty band get a good one back into the studio sooner? Lemonade, indeed. (The new song is probably called "Rats" or "Bats" or something, but I just called it "Maybe I'm Done For," which I culled from the lyrics. "Acid Party" was the repetition of a grungy-sounding chord Ben Bridwell dubbed a new song before the band leaped into "Weed Party.")

The encore featured some rarities, including "Evening Kitchen" done by Ben and (giant) Tyler Ramsey, and a full-band cover of the New Year's "The End's Not Near," as featured on the The O.C. Mix 6. "Let's end this fucking weird-ass tour," proclaimed Bridwell before their closer, a soulful cover of "Am I a Good Man." Regarding the band's newfound free time, Bridwell joked, "If you need somebody to come by and clean the house..." With a new album in the works and the ability to fill the Hammerstein at $35/ticket in 5 days, I doubt they'll be picking up the vacuums anytime soon.

BAND OF HORSES – 08.10.11 – HAMMERSTEIN BALLROOM (1 hour, 47 minutes)

SET –

Infinite Arms / Cigarettes, Wedding Bands / NW Apt. / Is There a Ghost / The General Specific / Laredo / Marry Song / Part One / The Great Salt Lake / Islands on the Coast / Older / Detlef Schrempf / Dilly / Maybe I’m Done For* / Acid Party* / Weed Party / Wicked Gil / Ode to LRC / The Funeral

ENCORE –

Evening Kitchen / The End’s Not Near / No One’s Gonna Love You / The First Song / Am I a Good Man

Beach Bum at a Bowling Alley

2011-07-19T00:22:00.005-04:00

I saw Donavon Frankenreiter tonight at Brooklyn Bowl for the first time since February of 2005. I've been pretty disappointed with his last few albums, but a $10 ticket pressured me to go. I'm glad I went. Beach bum Donavon definitely looked the part with his trademark mustache, stubble, and wild surfer hair. From the neck down, he resembled a sort of professional wrestler: turquoise necklaces, tight pants bedecked with colorful symbols and female bodies, snakeskin boots. The band started off positively funky with the Stevie Wonder-esque "Move by Yourself" right into "The Way It Is." Bringing out the first of what would be many of his debut albums cuts, he mellowed it out a bit with "Bend in the Road." Switching out his upside-down electric for an acoustic, he then totally surprised me by playing "Lovely Day" off the Snakes on a Plane soundtrack. It was all golden from there, aside from a little-too-lazy cover of Tom Petty's "American Girl" and this one guy in the crowd singing the wrong lyrics when given the mic in "It Don't Matter."

Let me interrupt to say that the crowd was not my favorite. Even if you are sporting a fake mustache (available at the merch table for $1), it doesn't give you the right to talk the whole time and show your friend unrelated pictures on your phone. When the concert's at a bowling alley, and you're the most annoying noise, you're too fucking loud.

Donavon came back solo acoustic for an encore of "Call Me Papa," with the band joining in halfway through. The night came to a close with "Free," the Jack Johnson verse supplied by opener Seth Pettersen.

DONAVON FRANKENREITER – 07.18.11 – BROOKLYN BOWL (1 hour, 18 minutes)

SET –

Move by Yourself / The Way It Is / Bend in the Road / Lovely Day / Life, Love, & Laughter / Your Heart / Hold On / What’cha Know About / On My Mind / Glow / Too Much Water / Heading Home / Swing on Down / American Girl / It Don’t Matter / That’s Too Bad (Byron Jam)

ENCORE –

Call Me Papa / Free (feat. Seth Pettersen)

The Tyranny of Distance

2011-07-09T22:56:00.003-04:00

Just got back from the Ted Leo & the Pharmacists show at South Street Seaport. The Screaming Females opened, and while there was only one female in the band, she definitely could scream. She also looked like she was 11.

TL/Rx took the stage a little after 7:30 and came sprinting out the gate with "Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone?" After a group of songs ending with one of my favorites, "Bottled in Cork," the band jumped into what would be a complete performance of their album The Tyranny of Distance. They even paused between "Stove by a Whale" and "The Great Communicator" in side A/side B fashion. (Their banter and band introductions in between was referred to as the album skit.) "You Could Die (or This Might End)" finished the set, but the boys came back for an energetic 3-song encore.

TED LEO & THE PHARMACISTS – 07.09.11 – SOUTH STREET SEAPORT (1 hour, 31 minutes)

SET –

Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone? / I’m a Ghost / Me & Mia / Little Dawn / Colleen / Mourning in America / Bottled in Cork / Biomusicology / Parallel or Together? / Under the Hedge / Dial Up / Timorous Me / Stove by a Whale / The Great Communicator / Squeaky Fingers / M¥ Vien iLin / The Gold Finch & the Red Oak Tree / St. John the Divine / You Could Die (or This Might End)

ENCORE –

The High Party / A Bottle of Buckie / Where Was My Brain?

Hey Ledies!

2011-05-11T23:50:00.000-04:00

African Cats

2011-02-27T15:46:00.002-05:00

Movie about lions or just cool black people?

Best Captcha Ever

2011-02-24T01:28:00.002-05:00

This is a totally real captcha I just got.

Drive Carefully

2010-12-16T13:09:00.002-05:00

As a drinker now, I have never driven after consuming alcohol, nor do I intend to. My dad sent me this drunk driving video, and while it is supposed to be a serious warning, it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Leave it to the Australians. Don't drink and drive.

Your Butt is Mine

2010-12-05T11:24:00.002-05:00

I laughed at this email subject from Amazon.com:

Dustin Sherman: New Michael Jackson

You know I'm bad, I'm bad. C'mon.

Until They Get BRT in Brooklyn, I'm Staying Inside

2010-09-26T17:46:00.003-04:00

Dear MTA,

And you thought it would be a good idea to do work on every train line except for the S this weekend, why?

仕事

2010-06-16T17:21:00.002-04:00

Dear Employers,

If you are hiring for a job where "written and spoken fluency in Japanese" is a prerequisite, you should not hide it in the middle of the post.

Sincerely,

Common Sense

Semicolonic

2010-05-18T03:25:00.003-04:00

Dear Washington Post,

When you title an article "Space shuttle; fugitive ruse; girl dead; school staff deal; Viagra for dog," I expect the items to be somewhat related. That would've been an interesting read; it was really just five lame articles.

Someone Stop This Oil Spill... and Stop Robots

2010-05-16T12:52:00.001-04:00

"Officials say they successfully inserted a new pipe into the broken pipe spewing water into the Gulf. That new pipe started sending oil to a ship on the surface, but, just moments later, two remotely-operated robots crashed into each other and knocked the pipes partially apart. The robots were taking photos of the operation."

Damn robots taking pictures like they always do.

Fame-Hungry Food Vendors

2010-05-04T19:58:00.003-04:00

Stuff like this makes me ashamed to be a human. Can't these assholes just be grateful someone, even if it wasn't them, notified the authorities and therefore, potentially saved their lives?

Return to Kid Nation

2010-05-03T22:59:00.004-04:00

My previous entry was my 100th post, so in order to celebrate, I'm going to watch the eighth episode of Kid Nation. If you need a refresher, you can read my older posts:

Episode 1: A Nation Entirely Peopled with Children

Episode 2: Le Pays Des Enfants, Deux

Episode 3: Kid Reservation

Episode 4: Kid Nation Under God

Episode 5: Cold Sore Nation

Episode 6: Bonanza is Disgusting!

Episode 7: Skid Nation

Also it's a good episode to come back with 'cause you can watch too:

EPISODE EIGHT

Part One

Previously on Kid Nation: Jared fucked some shit up. They found a treasure. Nathan washed mad clothes. Can homeschool kids go to college? What is a recommendation letter worth if it's from your mom? DK is bored. He's ringing the town bell. "We just fed up right now, okay?" I wish I could say I'm super-excited about this, but I am honestly paying more attention to the omelet I made for dinner. Talk about starving for entertainment. It has been decided. A talent show will be held. The black kids love the idea! Because black people have all the talent. You have to sign up in crayon. Anjay doesn't know what stand-up comedy is. I totally just remembered his name without seeing his lower-third. Oh, shit, they might give the gold star to the talent show winner. This is like the Oscars of Bonanza City. Kennedy is a girl who looks like a boy who thinks she's funny but is not. Jared will be performing Shakespeare, but he's never done Shakespeare before. Olivia will be doing stand-up, but will not do jokes on demand. I respect that. A Kentucky dinner will be had tonight. It looks exactly the same as the shit they always eat.

Part Two

Oh, Olivia has a lisp. Maybe she'll incorporate that into her act. Natasha is a debutante and so is Migle. Migle? Who names their kid Migle? Greg and Blaine are gonna throw the showdown so the girls have to clean toilets unless they start working. Alex is attempting to console Savannah, who is homesick. "You're a positive contribution to Bonanza City." "Thank you, Alex." Go home, little girl. There's a Pizza Hut like four miles away. The blue team are gonna throw it, and Anjay is pissed. Showdown time. Paint by letters. But they're not using paint. Instead? Bubble gum. You run to a gumball machine, chew it up, and then hand your ABC gum to your council leader to stick on the canvas. Gross. They are really trying everything they can to give these kids mouth herpes. Oooh, they are those fun gumball machines that spiral the balls downward. Greg admits he'd never throw a showdown, but "there's nothing wrong with a little threat." Anjay's chewing someone else's gum. Sick. Laurel pushes her head together to chew. Her orthodontist is going to kill her for chewing gum with braces. Campbell dances as his crusty cold sores peel off his bloody lips and into the gum.

Part Three

The gum keeps falling off the picture. Green wins! They have finally won upper class. Blue comes in second despite the threat. It figures the snobby girls would be able to help out in a fucking gum-chewing contest. Ten seconds left! No reward. What would they have won? Paint. Who the fuck cares? Or option two: Disco in a box! A motherfucking block party!!! Zach is still convinced this was a real town that failed in the 1880s. Idiot. Savannah hates Bonanza. If she goes home, she'll upset her parents. This is sad. Hopefully this talent show makes things a little happier. That little bitch whose name I don't remember has to wash the clothes. Olivia has never had any stage time. Bad idea. I wasn't very good right out the gate. Markelle is the MC. Hopefully she says "bullshit." The Asian girl plays piano. How cliche. Jared time! A monologue from Henry V. Why did he pick one of the histories? That was pretty awful. All he did was memorize it. No actual acting. Unless you count actin' a foo'. Greg and Blaine are wearing dresses. Faggots.

Part Four

Some black girl I've never seen before sits on a chair and sings. They don't even say her name, so she won't win. Comedy hour with Olivia. All of her material consists of roasting the fellow citizens. Kennedy, or Trannedy, if you will, wears a bird mask and does the washing machine dance. Savannah has an announcement to make. Everyone is positively cumming with anticipation. She's gonna stay!!! Bad choice. "It made me feel better that everyone wanted me to stay." She's just an approval hog. Kentucky love between Savannah and Kennedy. They didn't pick a winner at the talent show? That potato-cooking twat Divad nominates herself again. Looks like it's gonna be between the two comediennes, Kennedy and Olivia. Olivia "definitely brought the fun." Nobody has anything bad to say about Kennedy aside from her confusing lack of genitalia. Apparently Laurel can sing, but she didn't at the talent show. Let's see what happens. As Laurel belts out "Amazing Grace," the black girl who couldn't sing hangs her head in shame. DK gets a boner. He has found his true love. "I love you, DK!" she yells. Aw, shit. Nobody has volunteered to go home. Who will get the $20,000 gold star? "The gold star pioneer is..."

Part Five

Trannedy! "I think my differentness really separates me from the crowd." Holy shit. Differentness is a word? Her mom is wearing a goofy pink outfit that an 8-year-old would wear. Divad's bitching again. Surprise, surprise.

Captivity

2010-04-28T14:13:00.002-04:00

I'm no zoologist, but if you have to put up signs like this one, shouldn't these animals not be kept in a zoo?

Endangered Languages

2010-04-28T13:58:00.001-04:00

One of the many reasons I'm trying to move back.

UPDATE: Hef Saves Sign

2010-04-26T15:29:00.003-04:00

Hugh Hefner has donated the final $900,000 to save the Hollywood sign. His only condition is that the O's have nipples.

In other news, there's a giant white letter B in the hills near me. What does it all mean?

My Mind is Blown.

2010-04-25T18:59:00.003-04:00

Seriously, there is so much about this that scares me, excites me, and just floors me. Way more the solution than the problem. Have a listen...

Kentucky Tuna

2010-04-22T00:24:00.003-04:00

Asian carp have been invading American waterways, and there is pressure to keep them out of the Great Lakes. In those areas already infested with the carp, chefs and economists are attempting to market it towards the public. Apparently people don't want to eat Asian carp because when Americans think of carp, they think of the bottom-feeding common carp. I think it's just because it's an anagram of crap. One suggestion for a new name is "Kentucky tuna." Yeah, nothing like tuna from a landlocked state famous for horses.

Redundant Headline

2010-04-17T00:27:00.001-04:00

Obama extends hospital visitation rights to same-sex partners of gays

By Michael D. Shear

Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, April 16, 2010

Host Our Coast

2010-04-17T00:09:00.003-04:00

I'm in the second round of this competition to host the coast of Delmarva this summer. I want to do it badly, so if you've got a minute, click this, register to vote, activate, and give me 5 stars. Repeat daily until the 24th.

As for registering, I know I'm always leery of doing it for time and security reasons. Thankfully, I am pleased to say this is the quickest, easiest online registration I've ever seen. You just type in your email address, no name, no number, no zip code. They send you one email to activate and that's it. Done. And no more emails after that either. So if that sounds like you can handle it, please do it. And vote for me. I miss the East Coast.

Are You Human?

2010-04-15T15:52:00.003-04:00

When registering on JamBase today, they asked the question "Are you human?" and presented the following captcha:

Is this a trick question? Are you not human if you want Judge Reinhold to succeed?

Why Red Light, Green Light Only Works As a Game

2010-04-11T19:00:00.003-04:00

I just read this cool article about a Floridian whose wife got a ticket for going through a red light. She claimed the yellow light was too short. It turns out she was right. Please read the rest of this.

Deliciousness Itself

2010-04-11T14:40:00.007-04:00

Apparently that's what Mark Twain called the cherimoya. I was at the farmers market yesterday and was curious as to what this avocado/artichoke-looking thing was. I couldn't even read the smudged marker on the sign. "Cherimoya," said the farmer. He took a small ripe one, broke it in half, and gave us the pieces. The inside is a white flesh, with easily discernible black seeds. Thankfully so, as if crushed, the seeds are poisonous. Is it "deliciousness itself?" Maybe not, but definitely good. It tastes like a banana had a threesome with a pear and a pineapple. (That image is sexier than the fruit's actual appearance.) I decided to stick with strawberries and navel oranges, as the cherimoyas were fairly pricey, but I will be back. Mark my words, cherimoya. I will be back.

Oh, Shit. Mafia Wars is Real?

2010-03-19T23:55:00.002-04:00

A real-life mobster in Italy was caught due to chatting on Facebook. You can read the article here.

Fun is Good!

2010-03-17T15:24:00.000-04:00

Click me.

Women Only Pay Attention to Perfume

2010-03-08T15:07:00.004-05:00

Did you see this commercial during the Oscars?

I really think they missed the point they were trying to make. Unless they were intentionally trying to make the funniest cancer joke ever. 'Cause then they succeeded.

The Woman Hanging from My Ceiling

2010-03-07T14:47:00.002-05:00

Here she is.

Really, Have We Gotten This Lazy?

2010-03-05T23:18:00.003-05:00

As someone who longboard skateboards, Facebook handpicked an ad for me for Kahuna Creations. They invented something called the Big Stick, which is a pole with skate wheels on it, so you can paddle your board. I realize we live in an instant gratification age and we do less and less for ourselves, but is there a point to this? If we all traveled via skateboard, maybe. But I think most of us use them for fun, and at $80 for the cheapest stick, I think I'll keep using my feet. Curious as to what this looks like? Feast your eyeballs.

One Year!!!

2010-02-28T20:47:00.003-05:00

It's been one year since an incompetent 911 operator influenced me to start a blog. If you've read any of my entries, thank you. To celebrate, a young child devouring a mound of poop...

Mystery Job

2010-02-24T20:43:00.005-05:00

Another Craigslist finding. It was in the TV/Film/Radio section.

Seeking Motivated Individuals (National - USA)

Seeking persons with strong mechanical and creative aptitude, with good upbeat attitude and the willingness to learn, follow direction and function in a team environment,
likes to work with your hands a must , plumbing and/or electrical and/ or mechanical background a plus, willing to travel ,must have text message and email skills,
no drinking or drug use, ex-military or law enforcement a plus, should be relatively fit, must be a US citizen , have a valid drivers license and a clean driving record.

Any guesses?

Get Baked

2010-02-23T23:01:00.005-05:00

New York City schools apparently have no bake sales because the nutritional value and ingredients of homemade goods cannot be defined. So a city panel is voting tomorrow on new rules that would allow students to sell fruits, vegetables, and the 27 packaged items approved for vending machine sale. When's the last time you knew how many calories or grams of sugar were in a banana? And correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the level fluctuate depending upon factors such as ripeness? Granted, bananas are probably better for you than chocolate chip cookies, but who would want to buy Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos for a fundraiser? Aren't you more tempted to buy things from bake sales because the treats are homemade? I guess they made this rule like nine months ago, and now they need to bring some fundraising back due to the poor economy. Want my opinion? Bring back the cookies, cupcakes, and brownies too. There's a New York Times' article about this, which can be read here. The most ridiculous thing is the photo they ran with it:

Bacon chocolate chip cookies? S'mores brownies? Seven layer cookie bars? What kind of yuppie bake sale is this? Certainly not one taking place in a New York City public school.

Kumquat Virgin

2010-02-20T18:16:00.005-05:00

I went food shopping today and noticed Trader Joe's had kumquats. $2.99 for 12 oz. seemed like a good deal, but what would I know, being a kumquat virgin? My curiosity had been piqued by watching Muppet Babies as a child, but I'd always assumed they were just something invented by Jim Henson, like the weirdo species. Advertised as being entirely edible with sweet skin and tart flesh, that was a definite selling point, as opposed to pomegranates, which I love, but am always surprised when the waste seems to have more mass than the original fruit. Kumquats are about the size of cherry tomatoes, so just looking at them quickly in the store, I imagined them tasting something like a sweet tomato. When I got home and opened the plastic container, I gave the fruits a sniff. They smelled like oranges and examining them closer, appeared to have a similar texture. After popping off the green caps, I washed a few and decided to feast. I hesitantly bit into the skin, which sort of tasted like oranges, but sweeter, a decent first taste. I bit into the fruit flesh to find it orange-like, but sort of like if you dipped an orange in something even more acidic, like I don't know, maybe HCl. It wasn't gag-inducing, but it wasn't super-pleasant either. As I took my second fleshy bite, I hit something hard. A fucking seed. Two actually. And that's where kumquats seem like a waste; their seeds are the same size as orange seeds. Having said all this, I think I ate seven in one sitting.

Pros: Fun name. Fun size. Entirely edible minus the seeds.

Cons: Big seeds. Sour as a mother. Fairly expensive now knowing the taste.

Verdict: Try them for the experience if you must. Otherwise, best used in Scrabble: Kumquat will get you 72 points with no premium squares!

The Return of Dr. Tyrone McLouvrengradstein

2010-02-19T00:47:00.006-05:00

I wrote an absurd short story for my blog last year one time when my computer was broken. My computer's fine, but after struggling with my screenplay today, I decided on a sequel to the aforementioned story. It probably won't make any sense without first reading the original story here, but then again, it probably won't make sense either way.

A Curious Case

I pull up to the house around one. It rained this morning, but lucky for me, it stopped just as I was leaving my apartment an hour ago. Ahead on the pavement, a dry spot, larger car-sized. Possibly a Cadillac?

"Shit, I must've missed him," I say out loud. I've gotten into the habit. It helps with my decision-making. And my anger.

"Ah, might as well have a look around." A bird bath. Overgrown. Would've been perfect after this morning's little shower. "What a cruel fucking joke!" I spit onto the greying asphalt.

The upkeep of the exterior is shoddy at best. Crumbling brick, peeling paint. Queer enough, the hedgerow skirting the façade is impeccably trimmed. Like a girl who's trying to impress you. With razor skills? "I shave my face everyday, honey," I say to no one. I rub my fingertips along my jaw line. Bristles. I am impressed.

"I'm gonna check around back," I say. "Who am I talking to?"

No one answers. They never do. I suppose it's better that way. I ate a whole half-gallon of black cherry ice cream once. It took me a week. I've never been prouder.

The tidy row of hedges continues against the side wall, at least the side I'm on. Windows are shuttered. I can't see in.

"Why didn't you just knock?"

Not me this time. I turn to my left to see a male, 6'1", Caucasian. Flower-print dress. Sunbonnet. Metal watering can in right hand.

"Oh, excuse me," I apologize. "I didn't see a car so I thought you might not be here so I thought I'd just check around back and see if you were there and now I see you are but I feel I may have interrupted you and in the first place I should've knocked." He never interjects, and I have to stew with my mishmash of subjects and predicates.

"What is your name?" he finally says.

I race through my mental Rolodex of aliases and decide on the most realistic-sounding option. "John Doe," I reply, smirking at my cunning.

"I'm Dr. Tyrone McLouvrengradstein. I would normally extend you the courtesy of a handshake, but as you can see, Mr. Doe, my right hand is currently occupied," he says, lifting the half-full watering can.

"I've shaken hands before. I know what it feels like." Dummy. Real class act.

"Act what? Do you want me to perform?"

Blast! I'm saying the last word of my thoughts out loud again.

"Again?"

I thought Dr. Scrimshaw had cured this.

The doctor looks at me quizzically. I pause. When he doesn't question me with "This?" I assume the quirk has stopped or he's being unnecessarily polite after I've just trespassed.

"You have."

"What?"

"Trespassed."

Damn it! When will it end? Ah, that's it. End is the keyword. End.

"So, please, Mr. Doe, will you be so informative as to tell me why you have trespassed?"

"As soon as you tell me why you're watering plants when it just stopped raining an hour ago." Great. Back on top.

"I must look positively ridiculous," he says. "I was collecting rainwater with this pitcher, not administering it."

"Oh," I say, feeling stupid. Although he does look ridiculous in the dress and bonnet combo. "Collecting it for what?" I probe.

"Would you like to come inside and I'll show you?" An invitation. Just what I needed without the painstaking ordeal of a warrant.

"Yes, I would."

"Don't hesitate to come into my back door," he says as he steals away around the corner. This could be a trap. He could be waiting on the other side, ready to bludgeon me with his watering can. Cautious, I grip my sidearm tightly.

"Are you coming?" he calls, sounding halfway around the house and not sneakily waiting to give me my deathblow. Clenching my sidearm, I quickly round the corner to see the doctor twenty feet away at the back door. With a sigh of relief, I release the tiny arm that protrudes from my ribcage. Having absorbed most of my brother in the womb, my sidearm is all that remains of him. Perhaps he is the no one I'm always talking to.

The door leads into a laundry room. I look for clues, but see none that interest me, only shredded bloody clothes, a driver's license, and keys to a Cadillac. I need a body. The laundry room opens into the kitchen, where the doctor leans against a countertop. On the tile floor, I notice a small placard: LAB. "What's lab?"

"It's a breed of dog." The doctor seems okay with my snooping, so I have a look around.

A door with a sign on it. The lettering matches the LAB. "Where's this door lead?"

"It's where I practice my speeches. There's a mini-auditorium and I've created a crowd entirely composed of wax figures of celebrities. Would you care to see? There's a spare seat at H6. I never anticipate a full house."

"No, thank you," I say, being nice. That actually sounds a little too weird for me.

To my right, a refrigerator. Freezer on bottom. Two postcards held up by googly-eye magnets. One is titled Yellowstone at Night over matte black. I chuckle. The other is from Myrtle Beach and depicts several men in neon-colored thongs. "Have a good time in Myrtle Beach?" I ask over my shoulder.

"Never been," replies the doctor.

"You stinking liar!" I yell, pointing to the butts.

"That postcard was sent to me. Do you often purchase postcards for yourself?"

"No," I lie. I always opt to buy postcards of the places I've traveled. My photography skills have never been that amazing, at least one of my three thumbs always finding its way into the frame.

"That postcard was sent to me by a man named Jonathan Kreplark."

Bingo! "Dr. McLouvrengradstein, I'm a private investigator. This is my card," I say, offering one from my alligator-skin case. I watch the doctor struggle to read it, as everyone does. "Hold it up to the light," I suggest with a smile.

The words appear. "Invisible ink," I boast.

"Cute trick," he says, handing it back.

"I'm shocked at your refusal," I say, pocketing the card and case, secretly counting my blessings, as I have to make more and I'm running low on lemon juice.

"I'm shocked your name is Walter Ditmas and not John Doe."

"An alias."

"You had me fooled," says the doctor genuinely.

"I'm sorry."

"It's quite alright. But I also must say I haven't been entirely honest with you," he plays skillfully.

"Oh, really?" I egg on.

Gesturing behind me, he says, "Behind that door does not lie an audience of waxen stars of the stage and screen. It's just my basement."

"I figured as much. That seemed a little odd to me."

"I know. You told me."

How much have I been saying?

"Less than you think," he says.

"I just said that?" I demand.

"You did. But aside from your comments outside and just now, nothing else."

"Whew," I say.

"You just said that."

"I know." I'm getting testy. End. "Doctor, Jonathan Kreplark has been missing for two weeks. Do you have any idea of his whereabouts?"

"I wish I could help you, Mr. Ditmas, but that postcard was our last correspondence, and that was easily a month ago. You can check the cancellation date on the back."

"That won't be necessary," I say, immediately regretting my decision. How to recover? "May I see your hands?" I can tell so much about a person just by looking at their hands. Not anywhere on the level of palmistry, but type of work, hygienic habits, how many fingers they have.

"But of course," he says, proffering them.

Some left-handed writing required, washes after peeing, eleven. Damn. "Thank you. I'll be off," I say, defeated.

"It's an absolute shame you came all this way for nothing. Would you like to see my boudoir?"

Boudoir. Ladies dressing room. The photos. Karen was saving herself for marriage. She handed me a perfume-scented envelope the night before our wedding. "Don't open this until tomorrow morning," she whispered. I honored her request, and broke the seal over my morning granola. Karen nude on a bed. I had literally never seen such sexy curves. Ten photos, different poses, each one more suggestive. But who took them? I flipped one over to find a backprinting. Fred Biffman's Boudoir Photography. Fred Biffman laid his eyes upon Karen's naked body before I did. I waited until the reception to do it. Inserting the photos into the Power Point slideshow was easy; explaining that I had said, "I due," so therefore the marriage was void, was not. God, I hope he didn't hear any of that. End. "I would love to."

I follow the man and his swaying watering can up a spiral staircase. Noticing he's not wearing underwear, I avert my eyes to a rather strange-looking chandelier.

We enter the eighteenth door on our right. As suspected, a ladies dressing room. Even one of those folding dividers that I've only seen in the talkies. "Buffalo," I say, having never entirely understood the meaning of the word.

"Thank you. But behind this curtain is something even more buffalo."

Through with his games, I order, "Just tell me what it is."

"It's a true mirror. When you view your reflection in a normal mirror, it is reversed. This mirror does not reverse the image, and shows you how others regard you. Fancy a look?"

"No," I refuse, expecting some cruel parlor trick where I'd see the skinless, bleeding demon that resides within me.

"Why not? You're quite the handsome fellow."

Fearing he's coming onto me, I ask the question that's been on my mind. "Have you ever made love to a man?"

"No," he says, "but I have fucked a man."

To borrow a phrase from the French-Canadian, "Touché."

"Parlez-vous français?" he asks.

"Non, je parle canadien-français." I respond. "But..."

"That was before, of course," he explains.

"I noticed you were a eunuch on the stairs."

"Not just the stairs," he jokes.

We share a good rib-tickling laugh. I feel like I am halfway into my fifth drink at a comedy club, too sloshed to remember I only had to order two. Why am I here?

"The rainwater," he says. "You did that thing again."

End. "Yes, the rainwater," I echo.

"This way." There are two star-shaped doors on the wall. He takes the second and I follow him into darkness.

The stench is unbearable. I hear the door shut behind me. Another door opens and closes. I try the knobs. Locked. A spotlight shines down in the center of the room. A claw-foot bathtub containing a decaying corpse covered in cat fur. But where is that awful smell coming from?

A loudspeaker clicks on. "Walter Ditmas, P.I., your case is closed. Jonathan Kreplark is in the basin before you. I'm using the rainwater to dissolve his body."

I can barely hear his words. What is that fucking smell?

"Years of pollution have caused the rainwater here to go from a normal pH of 5.6 to a more acidic 4.2."

"That's only the acidity of tomato juice!" I blurt hurriedly, trying not to swallow any more of the putrid air.

"Very good," says the doctor, surprised by my chemistry knowledge.

They did call me Litmus Ditmas in high school.

"Litmus Ditmas, eh?"

"Shit, I'm doing it again."

"No, I already knew that. And if you haven't figured it out by now, there is another red fruit more acidic than that."

"You sick fucking scoundrel!" A strobe light flashes, illuminating the corners of the room in a macabre dance. Cherries.

"You felt you had bested your allergy when you ate that ice cream. But you should've read the list of ingredients more carefully. Artificial cherry flavor. You are locked in this room. The only way to survive is to eat the cherries or the deceased flesh of Jonathan Kreplark."

"Curses. Curses on you and your mother's grave!" I scream.

"You can tell her yourself. Her bones are at the bottom of that tub."

I vomit whatever's left of my lunch. Looks like half a burrito and a Daffy Duck Pez dispenser. I know I've been beaten. Grabbing a fistful of the wretched fruits, I shove them into my mouth, pits, stems, and all. As I go into anaphylactic shock, my sidearm sticks up its puny middle finger in a final act of defiance, and goes limp.

FAT Toddlers

2010-02-17T23:53:00.004-05:00

This is no joke. This is copied straight from Craigslist.

FAT Toddlers (Hollywood)

A major production company is currently looking for Obese/Overweight Boys and Girls ages 3 years to 5 years for one afternoon of work.

We are seeking all ethnicities. However, the children MUST clearly be physically obese/fat.

There is a very short time commitment for this project- 1 to 3 hours if you are selected. Pay is $464. Selected talent will need to provide the necessary minor documents to work on set.

If you would like to be considered, please email the following information to jklcasting@sbcglobal.net:

1. Parent Name/Child's First Name
2. Contact Info - Phone number (s)
3. Your Child's age
4. Your location
5. Picture(s) of your Fat Toddler

Be Sure To Include “FAT TODDLER” in the subject line.

Apparently they did some study, and the magic number of cash required to totally admit to being a worthless parent and ruin your child's life is $464.

In Honor of Presidents' Day...

2010-02-15T15:21:00.001-05:00

Happy Friday the 12th!

2010-02-12T15:04:00.002-05:00

Hollywood Sign

2010-02-11T23:55:00.003-05:00

There is a chance that Cahuenga Peak, the land surrounding the Hollywood sign, could become developed as was once its intent. If another $5 million isn't raised by April, this could become a reality. The issue is that the sign has become a symbol of Los Angeles, likened to New York's Statue of Liberty, Paris' Eiffel Tower, and San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge. While it is sad that essentially a billboard is equated to the previous structures, it is true. The sign is a protected landmark and will remain, but filling the hill around it with mansions will definitely hurt its iconic appearance. But am I concerned? No. In fact, I'm wondering why one rich fucking actor doesn't donate the remaining $5 million. Shit, get ten rich actors to split the cost. No doubt this money could be better served to assist Haiti or help with the national debt, but if that land is sold so rich motherfuckers can live in mansions on the hill, I will believe the rumors that this town has no soul... and leave.

Here's The New York Times article 'cause for some reason, the Los Angeles Times article sucked.

Here's an interesting site with the history of the Hollywood sign.

Noooooooooo!!!

2010-02-09T00:33:00.003-05:00

Google just ran that absolutely classy Super Bowl ad and now they're gonna turn Gmail into Twitter? Please wake me up from this awful dream.

Google is getting ready to add social-networking features into Gmail as it attempts to jump-start its social Web strategy.

Gmail users can already set their status within the service, but Google plans to expand that into a stream of status updates found in services like Facebook and Twitter, according to sources familiar with the company's plans. Users will also be able to share photos and videos through the service, which is expected to launch shortly.

Read the rest of the bad news here.

Top 3 Super Bowl XLIV Ads

2010-02-08T00:45:00.010-05:00

I found this year's crop of Super Bowl ads insanely disappointing. Could it be because every ad was for Doritos, Bud Light, or those stupid fucking Etrade babies? Maybe it was because several ads stole their plots from The Simpsons, and the one that actually had The Simpsons sucked. Perhaps it was because more than one ad featured that staring hamster from three years ago. Whatever the reason, I figured I'd narrow it down to the top three, which was pretty easy.

3. Bud Light - Auto-Tune

With about 20% of all Super Bowl ads for Bud Light, they had to get it right once. The end is really the only good part, but I like it.

2. Denny's - Birthday

The element of surprise.

1. Google

I can't even explain everything that is right with this. From the typing errors to the subtle soundtrack, everything works perfectly. My only beef would be that Wikipedia is used as a source. For me, this is one of the most brilliant commercials I have ever seen. It's right up there with what I consider my favorite commercial ever...

The Google one really proves that bigger is not always better. Tell a good story. Crazily enough, the milk ad was actually directed by Michael Bay. It would serve him well to watch his best work again.

Blogging for Dummies

2010-02-06T18:45:00.002-05:00

I'm at the library, and a woman just pulled a copy of Blogging for Dummies off the shelf. Hmmn.

Blurt It!

2010-02-03T21:44:00.002-05:00

The funniest thing I've read all day.

The whole website is hilarious. It's like they combined Yahoo! Answers with a bunch of retarded kids.

Car Insurance

2010-01-27T12:09:00.003-05:00

That guy? Then I'll pass on your insurance; thank you very much.

The Whole Conan Thing

2010-01-24T03:50:00.002-05:00

I figured I'd be late to the party again and weigh in on the whole Tonight Show thing. I watched on Hulu for the past two weeks, and the shows were some of the best television I've seen in a long time. (Aside from last Friday's show, which was just okay by comparison.) Conan's speech towards the end of the final episode actually got me teary-eyed. I guess I don't have too much else to say, as I'm trying to put Conan's words on cynicism into practice.

Here's his farewell speech in case you missed it, or tried to watch it on YouTube, but it was taken down.

Top Albums of 2009

2010-01-18T19:47:00.021-05:00

The Top 10 Albums of 2009

10. Brian Bonz & the Dot-Hongs - From Sumi to Japan

I saw these guys open for Nightmare of You, and was pretty much stunned by how good the lead singer's voice is. His stage banter is some of the funniest I've heard to. The mix should focus on his voice a little more, but if you lie down and listen to the album, you will be rewarded.

9. Dave Matthews Band - Big Whiskey & the Groogrux King

"If you don't like this record, you're a fucking retard," said Dave Matthews behind the scenes of the Fuse documentary I worked on. Bold words from a guy whose albums I'd never listened to, so I gave this one a shot. The musicianship is excellent, and I'd venture to say that there are even a few retards who would enjoy this album.

8. Nightmare of You - Infomaniac

Their eponymous debut is my favorite album, and while this sophomore outing is good, I can't help but say I'm a little disappointed. The departure of two members of the band, including their amazing drummer Sammy Siegler, and the fact that the "demos" posted on their MySpace didn't seem to be re-recorded for the album, hurt it a little.

7. Trevor Hall - Trevor Hall

I heard a song by this guy playing in my brother's car, and I asked his wife who it was. She told me it was Kings of Leon, which shocked me 'cause it didn't sound anything like Kings of Leon (It didn't suck.). It doesn't suck. It's a nice blend of rock, folk, reggae, and East-Indian styles with songs you can work out to or get high to. I've only done the former so far.

6. Maxïmo Park - Quicken the Heart

Ah, the third album. This one ends up fitting the cliché quite nicely, taking equal parts from the enthusiastic first album and mature second to make a blend that can now be defined as their sound. While I still prefer their debut, this one is quite refreshing and probably their most accessible.

5. Sea Wolf - White Water, White Bloom

In the midst of my cross-country journey, I saw Sea Wolf perform at Saint Louis University. I bought their new album, and it stayed in my CD player for the rest of the West. (I listened to my iPod mostly, but if the radio signal had too much interference, the CD player would go on.) Very cohesive set of tunes.

4. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

I think it borrows a little too heavily from It's Never Been Like That, but that was a great album, so it makes sense that this would be good. Not a substitute for their spectacular live show though.

3. Metric - Fantasies

Some people dismissed this album for its production, and while it does sound a little different than the previous discs, it's still Metric. Hear and see the songs performed live and you'll realize that. I can't stress enough how important it is to see these bands live.

2. Jupiter One - Sunshower

I picked up a random CD one night at Fuse, and it was this. It was the CD in my player until I got to St. Louis. I even had the pleasure of seeing them during my stop in Cincinnati. A really solid rock/pop album. Take a chance.

1. Fun - Aim & Ignite

The soundtrack of my summer, and a great album to fall in love to/with. There are so many different sounds on this album from the ELO-like harmonies of "All the Pretty Girls" to the steel drums of "At Least I'm Not as Sad (as I Used to Be)" to the gospel choir of "Barlights." It's all held together by the distinctive voice of former-Format singer Nate Ruess. I read an article where someone pegged his voice as "off-Broadway," and yes, there is a certain theatricality to it. Add all this together, and I'll be damned if you don't get an experience that is exactly the name of the band: Fun.

Happy Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

2010-01-18T13:23:00.002-05:00

Why do I love auto-tuned MLK so much?

Earthquake in Haiti

2010-01-17T03:28:00.004-05:00

It sucks that there was an earthquake in Haiti. It also sucks that people write stupid fucking articles like this in The New York Times.

Quake Ignores Class Divisions of a Poor Land

By MARC LACEY and SIMON ROMERO

Published: January 16, 2010

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — Marie Garmell Neptune, cradling one of her children and holding the hand of another, had lost everything. But as she boarded an American military cargo plane for Miami on Saturday with just the clothes on her back, she was one of the lucky ones.

“Since I’ve been a little girl, I’ve had a big house,” said Ms. Garmell, who works at a bank. “I’ve never known what starving is. Now look at us. This is a dream, a very bad dream for me.”

Earthquakes do not respect social customs. They do not coddle the rich. They know nothing about the invisible lines that in Haiti keep the poor masses packed together in crowded slums and the well-to-do high up in the breezy hills of places like Pétionville.

Read the rest of the shitty article here if you want.

Earthquakes don't respect social customs or coddle the rich? Thanks for enlightening me. I'd expect such journalism from a middle school newspaper, but not the fucking New York Times. And it took two writers to do this story!?! And we all wonder why newspapers are going under and journalists are being laid off?

The sad thing is I almost want to give them a little credit because the article is longer than 140 characters.

Bookface

2010-01-15T22:51:00.001-05:00

This is why I hate Facebook.

(Person I went to high school with) just completed level 1 of Potatoes mastery in FarmVille!

(Person I went to high school with) earned a huge reward for being such a dedicated farmer and wants to share their success with you!

Twitter Kills!

2010-01-11T19:12:00.005-05:00

An tweet-fight between neighbors may have led to murder. Read the article.

Top Albums of 2008

2010-01-08T02:00:00.003-05:00

I like to make lists. Unfortunately, I didn't always have a place to publish them. My MySpace blog and radio show's LiveJournal had to suffice in the past, but look what I've got now... a real blog!

I usually make a list of the top albums of each year, but I normally wait until a month or two into the year, so I can catch up on the albums I missed or didn't spend enough time with. The problem with that is no one cares about best-of lists that late into the year. (The Oscars aren't until March, but people seem to accept that.) My mind always changes, so the lists are pretty fluid anyway, but I figured I'd post my unpublished list of the top 2008 albums before I hit you with my naive 2009 picks sometime this week. Of course the order of these would be different now and likely include some other albums (Where is Raphael Saadiq's The Way I See It?!?), but I'm gonna post it 'cause I'm gangsta.

The Top Fifteen Albums of 2008 (December 18, 2008, 9:43 pm)

15. Flight of the Conchords - Flight of the Conchords

14. G. Love & Special Sauce - Superhero Brother

13. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend

12. The Stills - Oceans Will Rise

11. Mike Doughty - Golden Delicious

10. Glasvegas - Glasvegas

9. Zach Gill - Zach Gill's Stuff

8. Jack Johnson - Sleep Through the Static

7. Matt Costa - Unfamiliar Faces

6. Spiraling - Time Travel Made Easy

5. Panic at the Disco - Pretty. Odd.

4. Faded Paper Figures - Dynamo

3. Sunfold - Toy Tugboats

2. The Kooks - Konk

1. Miniature Tigers - Tell It to the Volcano

Reptar 2010

2010-01-06T21:33:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year! I just watched an episode of Rugrats called "Reptar 2010." If you remember, Reptar was a dinosaur more like Godzilla than Barney. In this episode, Grandpa puts in a movie called Reptar 2010, where Reptar is transported into the future. The future just so happens to be New York City in 2010.

Here's a few things they predicted incorrectly:

There is no monorail in New York City.
There are now two Yankee Stadiums.
The Brooklyn Bridge is not for sale.
You can't book a vacation to Saturn.
The president is black.

Asteroids!!!

2009-12-30T18:04:00.002-05:00

99942 Apophis is an asteroid named for the Egyptian god of destruction. It may hit Earth, so Russia's top space researchers are going to have a closed-door meeting to plan a mission to deflect it. Apparently Russians are sensitive about this because a meteorite hit Siberia in 1908 that knocked over about 80 million trees. And Apophis is three times the size of that one. That's 240 million trees! NASA has ruled out the possibility of a collision in 2029, claiming the asteroid will remain 18,300 miles above Earth's surface.

Anatoly N. Perminov is the head of Russia's space agency (RKA). In a radio interview, Perminov said, "I don't remember exactly, but it seems to me it could hit the Earth by 2032. We're talking about people's lives here. It's better to spend several million dollars and create this system, which would not allow a collision to happen, than wait for it to happen and kill hundreds of thousands of people."

I'm not going to compare NASA and RKA, but I will say that Perminov might want to start remembering things exactly before he spends several million dollars on a spaceship.

Pies and Cakes

2009-12-15T23:14:00.001-05:00

Saw this on the Transportation Security Administration's website:

Note: You can bring pies and cakes through the security checkpoint, but please be advised that they are subject to additional screening.

Hehe.

Wiki-greedia

2009-12-12T23:52:00.005-05:00

Wikipedia is asking for donations. And why does a non-profit project that is created and edited by anyone with web access need money? According to Wikipedia (Haha, I've always wanted to write that.), the money goes to people and technology. The exact quote: "Even though Wikipedia is one of the top 5 most visited websites in the world, we employ fewer than 35 people." They took down the thermometer graphic they had up, but I believe their goal is $7.5 million for this year. And when I last saw it, it was up to $2.9 million. Seems like $2.9 million would be enough to support 35 people, especially when there's really no overhead. If everyone worked from home and were paid equally, that's an almost $83,000 salary. To create and edit Wikipedia. Which anyone with web access can do. And not get paid for.

The question to ask is: "Do you need Wikipedia?" If Wikipedia charged a small fee for use of its site, would you pay?

You may use Wikipedia a lot. In fact, instead of the thermometer image (likely because they don't want you to see how ridiculous the amount of money they're making is), they've now chosen to use banners with quotes from donors. Check this one out: "As a professional scientist, Wikipedia is my go-to source for ideas and concepts new to me. Donate for this? You bet!" I am officially scared.

I'm Not Even a Member.

2009-12-12T20:14:00.002-05:00

PBJ club sandwiches are so messy, but so good.

The Learning Channel

2009-12-02T16:29:00.002-05:00

I just discovered why TLC is no longer called The Learning Channel. I just saw an ad on my screen for a new show called BBQ Pitmasters. Here's TLC's synopsis of the newest episode:

As temperatures soar, it's not just the meat that's getting cooked when teams head to the desert for the Smokin' in Mesquite BBQ Championship for a taste of the $40,000 in cash and prizes.

I'm a little ashamed to live in a world where this is considered learning.

United Fraud Organization

2009-11-25T15:27:00.003-05:00

It turns out that the United Homeless Organization (those guys with the tables and water jugs) is not a real organization. The article is here. I realize I've probably only given like 3 cents to these guys, but I want it back.

Genres

2009-11-11T16:03:00.001-05:00

I saw this in the description of a musical artist:

"[His] sound bridges genres from hip-hop to crunk."

How on Earth did he manage such a spectacular feat?

Fatties

2009-11-07T16:52:00.003-05:00

There's an article in The New York Times about the fat community getting all up in arms because they feel they're being looked at as targets during this whole healthcare debate. Fact: Obesity leads to a higher percentage of health-related diseases in this country than being too thin.

Here's a little snippet:

“I get so angry when I feel people pushing a weight-loss agenda,” said Linda Bacon, anutrition professor at City College of San Francisco and author of “Health at Every Size,” a book published last year whose title has become the rallying cry of the fat pride community.

Like I'd really take advice from a nutritionist named Bacon.

I Made It to California.

2009-10-10T12:41:00.002-04:00

I will do some posting about my cross-country journey (with photos!) once I'm staying in a more permanent place. I hope that got you wet and/or hard.

Newman's Own Racist Orange Drink

2009-08-04T11:18:00.003-04:00

In a search to see if all Newman's Own lemonades were virgin, I stumbled across another one of Newman's products, Orange Mango Tango.

Well, I guess it does fit the motto: "Shameless Exploitation in Pursuit of the Common Good."

Don't Just Stare at It! Eat It!

2009-07-31T12:16:00.004-04:00

I have a membership at the music site Amie Street, and they are giving away a free EP by Miles Fisher today. He covers Talking Heads' "This Must Be the Place," of which I've heard better covers, but the video is a must-see.

X is the Integer That Marks the Spot

2009-07-28T00:39:00.002-04:00

I saw the following image in an article regarding Somalian pirates:

Awesome. I wish I had taken Pirate's Math instead of Trigonometry.

Wedding Dance Enthralls the Masses

2009-07-27T01:23:00.007-04:00

I don't really watch too much stuff on YouTube, so I actually hadn't heard of this until my mom said something about it being on Yahoo! like three nights ago or something. Apparently, some couple decided to have their wedding party dance down the aisle of the church, and it is, admittedly, fairly entertaining.

My only problem with it is that the dance was done to Chris Brown's "Forever." Nothing says "'Til death do us part" like some auto-tuned garbage by a piece of shit kid who beat the hell out of his girlfriend. If my wedding party is to dance anywhere, it's going to be to a good song, even if it has no reference to staying together or whatever. Maybe "If I Had No Loot" by Tony! Toni! Toné! And you can New Jack Swing on my nuts.

And What is the Going Rate for a Ticket at Disneyland Hong Kong?

2009-07-15T00:16:00.003-04:00

Saw this article on IMDb.

Hong Kong and the Walt Disney Co. have agreed to give the struggling Disney theme park Hong Kong Disneyland an infusion of about $465 in cash in hopes of revitalizing the park with new attractions. As part of the deal, Disney has agreed to convert into equity about $350 million in loans to the venture as well as maintain a $40-million credit facility. As a result, Hong Kong's total stake is expected to fall from about 57 percent to 52 percent. The expansion plan, reportedly in the works for two years, calls for the construction of 30 new attractions and the addition of three new theme areas, Grizzly Trail, Mystic Point, and Toy Story Land, that will enlarge the park by about 25 percent.

I hope they stretch that $465 as much as they can. I'd assume Toy Story Land is an actual-sized recreation of Andy's bedroom.

The Crimes You've Forgotten

2009-07-08T22:59:00.009-04:00

Everybody with a computer is guilty of Googling their name.

(Tangent: Googling is accepted as a word on Blogger, and google can be found on dictionary.com. Be careful though, as google cannot be played in Scrabble. Some controversy over the word:

The verb to google (also spelled to Google) refers to using theGoogle search engine to obtain information on the Web. Aneologism arising from the popularity and dominance of theeponymous search engine, the American Dialect Society chose it as the "most useful word of 2002." It was officially added to theOxford English Dictionary on June 15, 2006, and to the 11th edition of the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary in July 2006. The first recorded usage of google used as a verb was on July 8, 1998, by Larry Page himself, who wrote on a mailing list: "Have fun and keep googling!

Fearing the dilution and potential loss of its trademark, Google has attempted to discourage use of the word as a verb, particularly when used as a synonym for general web searching. In February 23, 2003, the company sent a cease and desist letter to Paul McFedries, creator of Word Spy, a website that tracks neologisms. In an article in the Washington Post, Frank Ahrens discussed the letter he received from a Google lawyer that demonstrated "appropriate" and "inappropriate" ways to use the verb "google". It was reported that, in response to this concern, lexicographers for the Merriam Webster Collegiate Dictionary lowercased the actual entry for the word, google, while maintaining the capitalization of the search engine in their definition, "to use the Google search engine to seek online information" (a concern which did not deter the Oxford editors from preserving the history of both "cases"). InOctober 25, 2006, Google sent a plea to the public requesting that "you should please only use 'Google' when you’re actually referring to Google Inc. and our services.

Wow. Tangent complete.)

So I searched my name tonight and found this article, where I beat up my sister.

Man assaults sister, spits on officer

GALLUP — Dustin Sherman, 21, was arrested Nov. 7 for allegedly battering his sister then spitting in a police officer’s face.

According to arresting officer Sgt. Francie Martinez’s report, Dustin Sherman let himself inside Savannah Sherman’s apartment around 1 p.m. and began blaring music loudly in a back bedroom. When Savannah Sherman came home with her friend, Jared Howe, Dustin Sherman grew belligerent, eventually shoving his sister. Jared Howe intervened and Dustin Sherman clumsily swung at Howe, hitting his shoulder.

Savannah Sherman and Jared Howe left Dustin Sherman inside the apartment while they went to meet with police in the parking lot. When police entered the apartment, they found Dustin Sherman with blood-shot, watery eyes. He was unable to maintain his balance. They took him into custody for criminal trespassing and battery on a household member.

After walking Dustin Sherman to the cruiser, Martinez patted Dustin Sherman for weapons, at which point Sherman allegedly turned and spat in the face of backup Officer Ryan Blackgoat, then spouted obscenities at both officers.

Martinez pulled Sherman’s shirt over his head to prevent more spitting.

Dustin Sherman was eventually booked on the additional charge of battery upon a peace officer.

I realize I'm not the only Dustin Sherman out there, but the weirdest thing about this article is how the criminal is always referred to as "Dustin Sherman." There are two instances where he is called "Sherman" and never just "Dustin." It's almost like someone was doing a Mad Libs and filled in me for "name of person in room." I attribute the clunky nature to staff writer, Phil Stake. Phil Stake is still afraid of the dark. Phil Stake ate a whole cherry pie without offering anyone else a piece. Phil Stake should be fired.

Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo

2009-07-08T14:00:00.002-04:00

One of my friends from NYU made a documentary, and the trailer looks awesome.

Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo Trailer from Myriapod Productions on Vimeo.

Michael Jackson is Dead.

2009-06-25T23:18:00.005-04:00

I was at the Associated Press today when I overheard the people in the newsroom: "Michael Jackson is sick. Isn't he supposed to do a tour in July?" Fifteen minutes later, on CNN: "Breaking news: Michael Jackson hospitalized." Fifteen minutes later, on the street: "Michael Jackson died." It was strange to see how news breaks. It was stranger that no one seemed to care that Farrah Fawcett also died today. There is hope though:

It's not unreasonable to assume Michael Jackson could return. Keep an eye on your floorboards!

Ed McMahon is Dead.

2009-06-23T10:26:00.002-04:00

And the question remains: Who will give out those huge Publishers Clearing House checks? But more importantly, how awesome is this?

Phoenix in New York

2009-06-20T18:40:00.007-04:00

French rockers Phoenix played Terminal 5 last night. Trying to remember particular bits of the concert is a little difficult, somewhat influenced by the assholes behind me, but more so by the blast of raucous energy that is a Phoenix show. It's like attempting to recall a specific orgasm. I had heard they were a good live band, but they were so much better than I could have imagined. The performance was only 1 hour and 16 minutes, which would normally leave me feeling gypped by any other band. This was not the case. It was positively scary how good they were.

Every song was a sugary salvo of sonic perfection. "Run Run Run" was a personal favorite, culminating in a hard rock double-guitar attack. The whole experience was heightened by the epic lighting design.

I still don't understand why some girl in the crowd kept holding up a Mexican flag, but oh well. I will see Phoenix again, and hopefully they'll play "Second to None."

PHOENIX – 06.19.09 – TERMINAL 5

SET –

Lisztomania / Long Distance Call / Consolation Prizes / Lasso / Napoleon Says / Funky Squaredance / Rally / Girlfriend / Armistice / Love Like a Sunset pt. I / Love Like a Sunset pt. II / Run Run Run / Too Young / Sometimes in the Fall / Rome

ENCORE –

If I Ever Feel Better / 1901

Emily Haines is Sexy. (Part 2)

2009-06-18T13:46:00.010-04:00

I saw Metric last night at Terminal 5. I have a new favorite frontperson and her name is Emily Haines. Back in January, I downloaded the audio of Metric's Live at Metropolis DVD without having seen the video. Just listening to it, I could hear in Emily's voice how much fun she was having. I decided I had to see them, and last night, the time finally came. The sub-par sound of the venue couldn't stop Haines from ripping it up. She bounced around the stage like a caffeinated kangaroo, headbanged as she rocked out the keyboard, did some semi-choreographed moves with a tambourine, and sang her fucking heart out. The show was a brief 1 hour and 23 minutes, but if it went any longer, Emily probably wouldn't have survived. That's how much she puts into her performance. And did I mention she's hot too?

The set was heavy on tracks from their latest album, Fantasies. While every song was great, the highlight for me was probably "Stadium Love." The song closes Fantasies, and its lyrics have always puzzled me. Emily prefaced the song with an explanation of a post-apocalyptic dream she had in which the earth's animals were forced to do battle with each other, while the humans watched and feasted on giant cheeseburgers. The only way to make everything better was with massive amounts of love, enough to fill a stadium. Puzzle solved.

The encore ended with a slowed-down, stripped-down version of "Live It Out," which you can watch here.

METRIC – 06.17.09 – TERMINAL 5

SET –

Twilight Galaxy / Help I’m Alive / Satellite Mind / Handshakes / Gold Guns Girls / Gimme Sympathy / Sick Muse / Empty / Front Row / Dead Disco / Stadium Love

ENCORE –

Monster Hospital / Live It Out

You Can't Pause the Rock!

2009-06-14T21:05:00.004-04:00

What do you do when you need to play Rock Band in a film, but need to avoid making too much noise? Why, tape bread to the drum kit of course.

And You May Ask Yourself...

2009-06-10T13:29:00.008-04:00

Where is the mega-post about Los Angeles? Not here yet. I got a new phone after I went, so I need to get the pictures I took with my old one transferred over first. Instead, how about David Byrne opening the 31st season of Celebrate Brooklyn! at Prospect Park Bandshell?

On June 8th, David Byrne brought his retinue of dancers and musicians to Prospect Park for a stop on his Songs of David Byrne & Brian Eno Tour. Byrne emerged onstage completely dressed in white, and casually remarked, "Hi. My name is Dave. I'll be your waiter this evening." That was pretty much all of the witty banter that could be heard for the remainder of the night, a disrespectful crowd and sound problems muddling a good portion of the show. Still quite enjoyable though, even without a large knowledge of Byrne's work. The choreography made it almost seem like a Broadway production. Although seated for "Life is Long," Byrne and the band made sure to use swivel chairs to be able to spin to the song. Oddly enough, my favorite song of the night may have been the first, "Strange Overtones," from his newest album with Eno, Everything That Happens Will Happen Today. "Once in a Lifetime" was pretty amazing, but some sound issues kept it from perfection. Three encores! "Burning Down the House," not an Eno song, but a fan favorite, featured the entire band in tutus. I'm not a huge fan of the song, but it was a great performance. Check it out if you please.

DAVID BYRNE – 06.08.09 – PROSPECT PARK BANDSHELL

SET –

Strange Overtones / I Zimbra / One Fine Day / Help Me Somebody / Houses in Motion / My Big Nurse / My Big Hands (Fall Through the Cracks) / Heaven / Moonlight in Glory / Life is Long / Crosseyed & Painless / Born Under Punches (The Heat Goes On) / Once in a Lifetime / Life During Wartime / I Feel My Stuff

ENCORE I –

Take Me to the River / The Great Curve

ENCORE II –

Air / Burning Down the House

ENCORE III –

Everything That Happens

After the show, I met up with my old roommate and his friends. As we walked up 5th Ave, a group of people were congregated on the sidewalk at a hangout near Aunt Suzie's. "Amazing performance, man," I heard someone say, amongst similar compliments. David Byrne was standing there, graciously accepting the praise.

Emily Haines is Sexy.

2009-06-03T10:45:00.003-04:00

Metric have a new album out called Fantasies. While it's still growing on me (The production's sheen seems unnecessary.), it is still quite good. Check out this cool video for "Gimme Sympathy."

Pretty neat, right? Now see how it was made.

I'm seeing them on the 17th. Hooray!

Outsourcing is a Beautiful Thing, Especially Now!

2009-06-03T01:05:00.003-04:00

I hope you get sarcasm. I don't like to complain about things. I'd rather think positively all the time. Which is why I'm not going to elaborate on why you should never use Expedia. Just don't. Trust me.

The rest of this is not directly about Expedia, but it is their fault that it has gotten to this. Long story short: I was told something else, and then I was charged more for my car rental. I contacted the rental company because Expedia is a fucking useless bunch of thieves and liars.

My email:

I rented a car from Payless from May 19-May 26. I wanted to check out the car at 8pm on the 19th and return it by 8pm on the 26th. I was told by the associate (Rebecca) that because I arrived at 5:23 on the 19th, my rental would be for a week from that time. I was in LA for business and explained that if I had to return the car at 5:23 on the 26th, I would miss a meeting and be at the airport for 4 hours before my flight left. She told me I could not change my check-out time.

I called Expedia on May 20th and spoke to a representative named Victor. He called Payless and spoke with a woman named Angelina at the Las Vegas location. She advised him that I would be refunded fully for my collision coverage ($70.29) and for any extra time I had the car on the 26th, due to the check-out issue.

I returned the car to Payless on May 26 at 6:54pm, resulting in an hour's extra charge with all applicable fees. I was refunded $40.23, but not for the overdue time that I was told I would be reimbursed for. I need to have $29.86 (the total for an extra hour and fees) refunded to my credit card for this mistake. Thank you.

- Dustin Sherman

Response email:

Dear Sherman

Could you please what was the check out issues you had over here? and Also Victor Expedia provided you with the wrong information if you had an issue with Los angeles Location They cannot call Las vegas location, for the late charge i will go ahead and wave that for you because of this inconvenience, which it was total of $19.77

Regards

Muneer

Wow. Engrish much? Why is that our country outsources all its customer service departments? It would seem like dealing with customers is something you'd want done right, considering hmmn, I don't know, the customer is always right.

Maybe it's racist of me to assume that Muneer is in the Philippines or something. Maybe he's in Los Angeles. I've never been anti-immigration. Hey, stupid white people, where would you be without it?

Maybe he was even raised in the USA and was educated in the public school system. The point is that this guy does not know proper English. Now, I know in my original email, I ended a sentence with a preposition and could've used a few more commas, but look at Muneer's response comparatively. Two sentences, one of which doesn't end, that don't make sense, in an effort to get across four sentences of information. Not to mention that he called me Sherman.

I just wonder how anyone can think we're the greatest country in the world when our default thing to do when something goes wrong is to call someone in another fucking country! Meanwhile, jobs are being cut left and right because they seem unnecessary. Well, here's some free advice: Quality customer service representatives, who are fluent in English, are needed. I don't know anyone who would disagree.

How to Disappear Completely

2009-05-29T18:15:00.011-04:00

So the message boards have been afire with talk of my mysterious absence. Aside from my computer being repaired again and a trip to LA, there is one man to blame:

Yes, Dave Matthews. Dave Matthews Band has a new album called Big Whiskey & the GrooGrux King that drops on June 2nd. In tandem with the record release is a 4-part documentary on Fuse called The Road to Big Whiskey. I was an assistant editor on it.

I know what you're thinking: "Dave Matthews Band sucks. Well, they don't suck. I mean I like a few of their songs, but I'd never buy a CD of theirs. Wait, I have a CD of theirs. But they're definitely not the best live band ever."

Before I started on the project I too was skeptical of DMB, claiming they had one good song ("What Would You Say") and one okay song ("The Space Between"). But as I watched more and more live footage, I realized that every person in the band is an extremely talented musician. While I still feel their hardcore fans overrate them as the pinnacle of live performance, I have come to appreciate the band. Call me a fag if you must.

Onto the new album: Dave has been quoted in multiple publications as saying, "If you don't like this album, you don't like music." (I actually read that before I started on the project, and was curious to hear it 'cause that's a bold statement.) Another Dave quote, which you won't hear: "If you don't like this record, you're a fucking retard." So I had to listen, both my musical taste and intelligence at stake.

The verdict? I haven't listened to all of DMB's records yet, but Big Whiskey does have some really good songs on it. "Shake Me Like a Monkey" is even pretty awesome. "Why I Am" and "Seven" are other standouts. Sorry, but I'm not allowed to leak any tracks.

So be sure to check out The Road to Big Whiskey, airing in 4 parts on June 2, 3, 4, and 5 at 8pm on Fuse. I'll be posting a mega-blog about my LA trip soon enough.

Paper or Taxes?

2009-05-03T18:46:00.007-04:00

I just read in The New York Times that Bloomberg has proposed a citywide sales tax increase of half a percentage point, bringing it to a whopping 8.875%. The tax increase will also include clothing. According to the article, a typical household in NYC that makes $35,000 a year will end up paying an extra $129 a year. The idea is to avoid deeper spending cuts and minimize layoffs. Very briefly mentioned is a possible nickel surcharge on plastic bags.

Okay, here it goes. Fuck that shit. I can stand to pay the extra sales tax 'cause the only things I can manage to afford anymore are (tax-free) groceries, but don't fucking charge me to bring them home!

Just to prove I'm not some asshole who hates the environment, I decided to go to a website called TreeHugger.com to get my information. They should be incredibly biased, no? Well, check out their 6-page article on paper vs. plastic. (They are website-sized pages, so it's not too long, but if you're into conserving time as much as conserving the ecosystem, just check out the facts and figures on page 5.) Plastic bags are better than paper. This article from How Stuff Works compares the two materials as well. I find it funny that the first two things listed as being bad for paper are it causing more pollution and consuming more energy, as opposed to plastic's ugly appearance as litter and that it's deceptive to birds and wildlife as food.

I might as well include the Bullshit! episode on recycling, as it is quite entertaining. Things to note would be how ineffectively workers appear to sort recycling and Penn & Teller's awesome paper-recycling magic trick.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

So we might start getting charged if we choose plastic bags over paper ones. Hmmn. Here's a suggestion: How about we get rid of the recycling program in New York City? Think of how much money that will save. It's not a new concept either. In 2002, New York suspended glass and plastic recycling when it was faced with guess what... a severe budget crisis. By 2004, the program was back in action.

Exactly how effective is the program? Likely not that effective if you actually put what they ask in your respective bins. Did you know they don't recycle soiled paper or cardboard? Those pizza boxes with grease on the bottom are trash. Did you know they don't recycle plastic caps or lids? Recycle all the milk jugs you want, but you have to take off the caps. Want a list of what they actually recycle? It's here. So if you're like me, you probably figured you could keep the lids on certain things or recycle yogurt containers, but not in NYC. By all reasoning, they'd actually have to go into your recycling and remove these things, taking more time and energy.

So what's the alternative to recycling? There are two other arrows in that triangle, two other R's in that saying. Reduce and reuse. Reusable bags are the way to go. From solely an energy standpoint, canvas bags are 14 times better than plastic bags and 39 times better than paper ones. And they're sexier. If you get paper bags, wrap your textbooks with them. If you get plastic bags, pack your lunch in them. Not in school? Throw them away properly or keep them under your sink. No Loggerheads should be under there.

Let's say we don't get rid of recycling. There are plenty more ways this city could save money. Here's three just for the subway:

1. Stop painting subway stations half-assedly. Do it right all at once. And don't use so many wet paint signs.

2. Make unlimited Metrocards reusable. The new 5-cent bonus on a pay-per-card is the incentive to refill it. Why not allow people who use the cards most often the option to refill?

3. Force buskers (at least in prime spots) to buy permits. Anyone can perform in the subway in New York City. How about charging a small fee to do so in the best locations? The ones that block all the walkways in the busiest spots like Times Square and Union Square currently just have to wait on a rotating calendar for such places, but don't pay anything to perform. You shouldn't have to pay to perform, but you should have to pay for blocking traffic.

If you're gonna put a surcharge on plastic bags, do it. But put it on paper ones too. The public will be forced to provide their own bags or pay a surcharge for use of the store's. This is kind of stupid, especially because it will discourage consumers from buying more products because they'll want only enough to fill the bags they brought. I have a solution. If you spend a certain amount of money at the store, your bags are free! Then there's incentive to actually buy more. It doesn't take a genius to figure this shit out. It just takes Bloomberg to fuck it all up.

The Trollsen Twins

2009-04-24T19:33:00.009-04:00

I found myself on PETA's website today when this photo caught my eye on another site:

I figure Holly Madison would rather be naked than pretty much anything, so I won't discuss the photo. Anyway, I clicked a link which lead me to a page on the "Trollsen twins," Hairy-Kate and Trashley. Click the link and dick around. There's a video called Full House of Horrors (If I were Miller/Boyett, I'd sue.) and a game where you can dress the twins in bleeding animal furs. Look, I don't wear fur and I'm not condoning it. I don't personally kill animals. I don't even like Mary-Kate and Ashley. But isn't it mean of PETA to just make fun of how people look to support their views? Where are the ethics in calling people ugly? And most importantly, someone had to spend time making that copyright-infringing video and Flash game. Couldn't it have been spent doing something more beneficial to their cause instead of personally attacking two girls nobody gives a damn about anymore anyway? I have other problems with PETA, but Penn & Teller do a better job of pointing out hypocrisy than me.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Basically, don't donate money to PETA. Give it to cancer research and children's hospitals instead. I'd rather be naked than wear fur too, but that doesn't mean I support terrorism.

Mo' Street Signs

2009-04-20T00:19:00.003-04:00

I sort of feel obligated to make mention of anything having to do with street signs now, so here's an article from The New York Times. Apparently it's pretty easy to get a street named after you, unless you're Big Pun. I'm probably gonna take 23rd Street.

50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered (41-50)

2009-04-19T19:31:00.019-04:00

41. Colouring Lesson - Targets

Why You Didn't Hear It: You weren't from Maryland.

Why You Should've: A terrific blend of reggae and rock that actually sounds original.

42. Miniature Tigers - Tell It to the Volcano

Why You Didn't Hear It: You only went to the obvious CMJ showcases.

Why You Should've: It's the best album that sounds like anybody could've made it.

43. Ken Stringfellow - Touched

Why You Didn't Hear It: You're too young to know who the Posies were (I am), so you probably wouldn't care what a former member did.

Why You Should've: The songs are incredibly well written.

44. Sunfold - Toy Tugboats

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't know that all the members of Annuals are also this band.

Why You Should've: Arguably better than Annuals, Sunfold retain a similar sound, but seem more relaxed.

45. Spiraling - Transmitter

Why You Didn't Hear It: They aren't signed on a label.

Why You Should've: Imagine the Cars with Rick Wakeman on keys. Cum yet?

46. James Yuill - Turning Down Water for Air

Why You Didn't Hear It: It hasn't been released in America yet.

Why You Should've: British folker beefs up the electronics to make one toe-tapping/melancholy record.

47. State Radio - Us Against the Crown

Why You Didn't Hear It: You went to college, so somehow you heard of Dispatch, but didn't know that them breaking up was actually the best thing for them.

Why You Should've: Protest rock hasn't been this fun since Rage Against the Machine.

48. Zox - The Wait

Why You Didn't Hear It: They seem to only tour with bands whose ticket prices are ridiculously high.

Why You Should've: They turned a violin into an electric instrument.

49. The Lucksmiths - Warmer Corners

Why You Didn't Hear It: You weren't from Australia.

Why You Should've: Belle and Sebastian without ever being "sad bastard music."

50. The Stills - Without Feathers

Why You Didn't Hear It: You liked Logic Will Break Your Heart, but heard this one didn't sound anything like it.

Why You Should've: It doesn't sound like Logic, which means it's not super-derivative of '80s Brit-rock.

The Teenager Audio Test

2009-04-16T22:12:00.005-04:00

There is a sound frequency which can generally not be heard by those over 25 that is used to keep teens from loitering in malls. Go here and play it to see if you can hear it or not. I'll warn you though, if you can, it's annoying as hell. I'm interested to try it out again the end of this month when I'm 25.

50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered (31-40)

2009-04-15T22:58:00.013-04:00

31. Oppenheimer - Oppenheimer

Why You Didn't Hear It: You weren't from Northern Ireland.

Why You Should've: The contrast between Shaun's soft vocals and Rocky's vocoder is just one of the many reasons to check this out.

32. Owsley - Owsley

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't actively seek out great power pop.

Why You Should've: It's a debut power pop album that was nominated for the Best Engineered Album Grammy. That's fucking nuts.

33. Caesars - Paper Tigers

Why You Didn't Hear It: You've heard "Jerk It Out" in a movie before, but you didn't know who it was.

Why You Should've: It's a flat-out great rock album.

34. Kelly Bell Band - Phat Blues Music

Why You Didn't Hear It: You'd written off the blues as an old man's genre resistant to change.

Why You Should've: Kelly's powerful voice and "phat blues" style update the blues for all audiences.

35. The Realistics - The Realistics

Why You Didn't Hear It: Really, no one heard of them. It's not your fault.

Why You Should've: At only 7 songs, it's more of an EP, but it's amazingly catchy, and their full-length was surprisingly disappointing.

36. The World/Inferno Friendship Society - Red-Eyed Soul

Why You Didn't Hear It: You were wholly unfamiliar that carnivalesque ska-punk was a genre.

Why You Should've: Um, it's carnivalesque ska-punk.

37. The Thrills - So Much for the City

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't think Irish boys could write songs about California.

Why You Should've: They can, making this an exceptional windows-down beach disc.

38. Steve Burns - Songs for Dustmites

Why You Didn't Hear It: You thought the host of Blue Clues died of a heroin overdose.

Why Should've: He didn't. He teamed up with Steven Drozd, Michael Ivins, and David Fridmann to make an avant rock record that holds up with the best of the Flaming Lips.

39. 2 Skinnee J's - Supermercado

Why You Didn't Hear It: You assumed rap mixed with rock all sounded like Limp Bizkit.

Why You Should've: These guys had the smartest lyrics in the game... and a keytar.

40. Goldspot - Tally of the Yes Men

Why You Didn't Hear It: They didn't really promote this album in the U.S.

Why You Should've: I don't really hear the Bollywood influence on this one, but I do hear a bunch of great songs.

50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered (21-30)

2009-04-14T19:14:00.017-04:00

21. Page France - Hello, Dear Wind

Why You Didn't Hear It: You mistook them for Sage Francis.

Why You Should've: This is the best non-Elephant 6 Elephant 6-sounding record out there.

22. Hotel Lights - Hotel Lights

Why You Didn't Hear It: You figured when Ben Folds Five broke up, the other guys just got jobs at Taco Bell.

Why You Should've: Darren Jessee, BFF's drummer, fronts this mellow outfit and writes some lovely tunes.

23. Phoenix - It's Never Been Like That

Why You Didn't Hear It: You don't listen to bands from France, even if they sing in English.

Why You Should've: They're getting ready to be really big, and this album is their best.

24. Kyte - Kyte

Why You Didn't Hear It: It's relatively new.

Why You Should've: They blend shoegaze and electronica into a soothing collection of songs.

25. Dntel - Life is Full of Possibilities

Why You Didn't Hear It: You knew the one guy in the Postal Service, but not this one.

Why You Should've: "(This is) the Dream of Evan & Chan" was the synthesis of the Postal Service, and the other songs are great too.

26. Frank Turner - Love, Ire, & Song

Why You Didn't Hear It: It never even crossed your mind that folk-rock from an ex-hardcore British punk could be any good.

Why You Should've: "Substitute" has some of the best lyrics I've ever heard, and it's not even my favorite song on the album.

27. Sound Team - Movie Monster

Why You Didn't Hear It: Pitchfork was your Bible, and you went to Hell for it.

Why You Should've: Fuck Pitchfork. This is some of the best anthemic indie rock ever recorded.

28. Jason Darling - Night Like My Head

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't visit used record stores.

Why You Should've: Darling was folktronica before it was cool.

29. Nightmare of You - Nightmare of You

Why You Didn't Hear It: You heard they were emo.

Why You Should've: They're not. Throw the Jam and the Smiths into a blender, and you've got a band better than both of them.

30. Styrofoam - Nothing's Lost

Why You Didn't Hear It: You claimed you didn't like electronic music because it was too glitchy.

Why You Should've: Sure, it's glitchy, but it has songs and not just soundscapes. Bonus points for hottie on the cover.

Baseball Is Lame! Toilets Are Awesome!

2009-04-14T00:14:00.006-04:00

Just read an article in The New York Times about the bathrooms at the new Yankee Stadium and Citi Field. It contained the following sentence:

Groups including the American Restroom Association and the World Toilet Organization view quick access to clean public toilets as no laughing matter.

No laughing matter? The World Toilet Organization is like the funniest thing I've ever heard of. I went to their website, which is even better because they call themselves WTO. You know, like the World Trade Organization. Hahahaha. The American Restroom Association's website is pretty much crap.

Here's a cat taking a pee.

Hell Isn't Even That Funny

2009-04-13T23:37:00.005-04:00

I am going to be incredibly cool right now. How dare me include on my list Chris Glover's Hell Isn't Even That Funny, an album that was never officially released. So I'm going to provide a link to download it. The catch? There's always a catch. You have to make the same promise I did to Chris. If you dig this one (and you will), you must purchase his next one. I'd say that's fair. He's currently recording under the name Penguin Prison.

Lil Wayne Sucks

2009-04-12T22:51:00.005-04:00

The cover story for Rolling Stone this week was on Lil Wayne. Because I don't listen to the radio or watch MTV, I'm fairly unfamiliar with Weezy, but I read the article 'cause I'm not reading a book at the moment. Wayne claims he's the "talentedest nigga ever," and while I've only ever listened to one of his songs all the way through, I would disagree. If I had to give out a Talentedest Nigga Ever Award, I'd probably give it to Booker T. Washington. Not only was he a guiding force at Tuskegee; he made some fabulous records with the MG's.

In searching for a clip of Lil Wayne performing in a high school production of The Wiz on YouTube, I could not find it, but did find what appears to be a common sub-genre on the site: The "Lil Wayne Sucks" Video. Apparently a lot of people like to turn on their webcam for up to ten minutes and just start talking shit about Lil Wayne. So I spent my Easter checking out some of them:

Lil Wayne Is GARBAGE!!! by TrueTalkTV

Gist: Guy knew what he wanted to get across and keeps it brief, but the example he gives of a good rapper (his cousin) isn't any good.

Made it to: 2:02/2:22

Watched: 86%

Lil Wayne Sucks by Newpalproductions

Gist: Somebody behind the camera thinks this guy is funny, but not me.

Made it to: 1:41/3:32

Watched: 48%

Lil Wayne Sucks Nuts by SquirtlesDad

Gist: He put some time into this one, but that doesn't make it good. He did make me laugh when he said, "It's pretty old, but ain't growin' hairs."

Made it to: 3:49/5:28

Watched: 70%

Lil Wayne Sucks by doggierind

Gist: No one knows where Queequeg or wherever the hell you live is, so we don't care. What's even worse is this guy is attractive. He should be out getting some, not making ten-minute-long webcam videos about Lil Wayne.

Made it to: 2:41/9:46

Watched: 27%

Lil Wayne Sucks! by Delroy1405

Gist: Delroy is too emotional about it and seems unprepared.

Made it to: 1:05/4:59

Watched: 22%

Lil' Wayne by MattLFJr

Gist: Turns out it wasn't a "Lil Wayne Sucks" vid, but I enjoyed everything except for the Lil Wayne part.

Made it to: 1:02/1:02

Watched: 100%

HQ Biscuits! by MattLFJr

Gist: Not Lil Wayne, but this kid cracks me up.

Made it to: 1:06/1:06

Watched: 100%

iMatt by MattLFJr

Gist: "The camera loves you."

Made it to: 1:04/1:04

Watched: 100%

Verdict: Lil Wayne sucks. "Lil Wayne Sucks" videos suck. Matt rocks. See all his videos here.

50 Albums You Didn't Hear Before You Were Brutally Raped & Murdered (11-20)

2009-04-12T00:51:00.015-04:00

11. Faded Paper Figures - Dynamo

Why You Didn't Hear It: There has been no press for them like at all.

Why You Should've: It takes the place of the sophomore Postal Service album we'll never get.

12. Blitzen Trapper - Field Rexx

Why You Didn't Hear It: You heard "Furr" on KEXP and liked it, but were too lazy to check out their back catalog.

Why You Should've: Stylistically, it's a perfect balance between the scatterbrained Wild Mountain Nation Blitzen Trapper and the focused Furr Blitzen Trapper.

13. Filomath - Filomath

Why You Didn't Hear It: The lead singer wasn't on American Idol.

Why You Should've: It's pop/rock at its most poppy and most rocking.

14. Animal Liberation Orchestra - Fly Between Falls

Why You Didn't Hear It: You thought all jam bands were Grateful Dead rip-offs.

Why You Should've: ALO know how to jam, but they also prove they can write some amazing songs.

15. Johnathan Rice - Further North

Why You Didn't Hear It: You were lusting after Jenny Lewis so much that you just couldn't believe you weren't her boyfriend.

Why You Should've: When you mix country and rock, you should get this, not that bullshit on CMT.

16. Mike Doughty - Haughty Melodic

Why You Didn't Hear It: You liked Soul Coughing so much that you couldn't bear to try Doughty solo.

Why You Should've: Doughty's poetic lyrics are even better when they're not being smothered by weird samples.

17. Cody Chesnutt - The Headphone Masterpiece

Why You Didn't Hear It: Double-albums scared you.

Why You Should've: After a few listens (with headphones, mind you), you'd realize that this collection of ideas both developed and half-baked truly is a soulful masterpiece.

18. Peter Salett - Heart of Mine

Why You Didn't Hear It: You didn't know Guitar Dude from Wet Hot American Summer was actually a "guitar dude."

Why You Should've: On this one, Peter runs the gamut of folk-rock styles, stringing them together with his expressive voice.

19. Mobius Band - Heaven

Why You Didn't Hear It: You don't visit Daytrotter.

Why You Should've: Extremely catchy songs without ever being pop.

20. Chris Glover - Hell Isn't Even That Funny

Why You Didn't Hear It: Interscope never released it.

Why You Should've: Glover claims he makes music for someone who listens to a lot of different genres, and he's absolutely right on this lost treasure.

Piracy Solution

2009-04-10T20:21:00.003-04:00

There's still a U.S. captain being held by pirates off of Somalia. And everybody's still trying to figure out what to do. Isn't it obvious? Throw those fuckers a treasure map. Pirates love that shit.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (for Real)

2009-04-09T23:05:00.003-04:00

An article in the New York Times claims scientists in Brooklyn have been able to tamper with the level of a substance called PKMzeta in animals' brains, effectively erasing their memories. The hope is that they can extend this to humans, and choose certain unfavorable remembrances (trauma, addiction, etc.) to erase. In doing so, they also hope to discover ways to strengthen the memory, curbing Alzheimer's and dementia.

Maybe they need to watch the movie before they go all Lacuna, Inc. on us. Only briefly questioned in the article is the fact that this will require a drug, and once people start erasing particular memories, will they begin experimenting to erase others? Won't they just be substituting one addiction for another? Do people not realize that our experiences are what make us who we are? Look, I'm all for strengthening recall and getting rid of Alzheimer's, but let's work on that before we go erasing the memories we still have.